It’s still cold and though most of the snow managed to melt away in the brief “warmth” we got last week the earth is now white again. I hate snow! The cold here bites especially hard too. It’s as if the fact that we only get a short cold-spell means that it has to bite you to the bone.
The cold seems accompanied by this status-quo that I both love and resent. It feels like someone pushed pause and I'm just waiting for them to push play again. Though I know I can push play whenever I want I still feel that there is something I’m waiting for. Something that’s biting its time. Or maybe I’m just being a coward. It wouldn’t be for the first time.
Warmth, spring and sunshine are three things I’m actually waiting for. But of course there is something else in the making and it’s hard to define what that is or could be. Hard to find the pulse on the current situation.
Anyone who has had pain for a long period of time recognises the feeling that comes afterwards. It’s a quiet relief that kind of numbs the senses. You can find yourself staring at a wall thinking nothing in particular because the pain has diminished or is gone and you can just be.
That’s a bit how I feel right now, though my pain wasn’t physical.
Don’t get me wrong, I can conjure it up like a magician can a fireball with little or no effort, but most of the time these days I’m not thinking about that. I’m focusing my mind on other matters, matters that are more important than what has happened in my love life. Change is like clay and you need to find the energy to mould it otherwise others will do it for you. But I don’t know how to mould this one. I don’t have the foresight to know where I should be headed exactly and though I have the energy to enforce changes I have no paths to choose from at the moment. Or maybe I have so many that I can’t see where one road stops and another begins. It all looks like a giant, one-way highway.
Perhaps my mind will unfreeze when the cold lets go and we can start to go outside without clenching our jaws. Perhaps when it stops snowing from a clear blue sky I can relax enough to see the right path to choose. Perhaps hesitation is a good thing. And for once in my life I might not haste into a situation.
Then again the night is still young.